Christmas Shopping, Arachnid Stopping Warrior


Spider by bunnygoth flickr creative commons

I know it doesn’t seem right to be talking about spiders with Christmas just around the corner. But I saw the Hobbit last night, which by the way, was delightful, although I would’ve liked a bit more dwarven music. Anyway, there was a spider-fighting scene (don’t worry, no spoilers!) that reminded both of Harry Potter and my recent trip Christmas shopping.

The Harry Potter reference is obvious—giant spiders, death and destruction, what more could anyone want in a fantasy, right? Ok, dragons, magic, elves. It’s all good.
But the Christmas shopping, you may ask? How does that play in? Yesterday I wore myself out scouring Joplin, MO for all the doodads and fuzzies and sweets that my little minions think they need. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, and the cheesecake squares I was munching on during the hour-long drive home were just barely keeping me going. I mean, really. I was desperate and sometime cheesecake alone is not enough. So I popped a couple Reese’s minis in my mouth (not all at once—I’m not crazy).
And then it happened. In the corner of my windshield, what to my wondering eyes did appear? Not a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer, that’s for sure.
A huge, black, hairy spider with massive pincers and eight beady eyes—all trained on me. The monster poked its evil head out of the upholstery then darted out of sight.
At this point, sleepiness was no longer a problem for me. My problem was figuring out how to drive, scream, and not choke on peanut butter and cheesecake at the same time. I couldn’t pull over and track the ugly bugger down, either. I was in the middle of Christmas-shopping traffic on the freeway, for St. Nick’s sake!
My fingers tightened on the steering wheel until they went numb. Whether it was a function of age, exhaustion, carpal tunnel, or gut-wrenching fear isn’t important. The fact remains that when the spider appeared again, it had the upper hand. It dropped down from a thick silken thread and attacked.
I ducked and swerved and wove between astonished drivers as the vicious arachnid dangled in front of my nose, swinging closer every second. But my mad Ninja and Nascar skills saved me, at least for the moment and the fiend retreated.
By this time, tinsel and chocolates, electronics and lip gloss hung from every interior surface of my SUV, including me. I looked like the remains of a Christmas tree explosion. I half expected my nemesis to come crawling from its hole covered with glitter and flashing lights. But the spider was too stealthy for that kind of trick. It skittered out and swung at me, its pincers slashing as it lunged for the kill, trailing gauzy silk streamers behind it, filling my windshield with its sticky, pugnacious garland.
Would this be my last moments? Would I die buried in Christmas treasure, carols ringing in my ears?
No, not while there’s a speck of Christmas spirit still in me (in other words, I didn’t do all that shopping for nothing)! Sugar surged through my veins and I grabbed a handful of receipts and wrestled the monster against the window, fighting for my life, freedom, and sugar plums while visions of Christmas morning danced in my head. As a side note, those visions involved happy, peaceful, children and lots of singing. They did not involve tantrums or sugar highs.
Speaking of sugar highs, mine faded as soon as the hideous beast crumpled into a squishy ball, oozing through my papers. I can only hope the shops will take returns with soggy receipts. I wiped a stray hairy leg from my cheek and surveyed my situation. Only halfway home and school’s almost out. Time to hide the evidence…I mean, the presents. So I called in reinforcements. Dad agreed to pick up the kids and I, Christmas-Shopping, Arachnid-Stopping Warrior that I am, hustled home to hide the goods.
Oh, I can’t wait till next year. Maybe I’ll get to fight a dragon.
What Christmas adventures have you faced this year?

  • This is too funny! Thanks for putting a smile on my face. So glad you conquered the monster without wrecking your car!

  • Thanks Nancy! Great to hear from you 🙂