At this time of year, we find ourselves looking over our shoulders for zombies, ghosts, vampires and witches. Which brings me to the crux of this post—how to protect your family when the paranormal day of reckoning descends.
Any survival guide will instruct you to stockpile food, drink, and medicines. But did you know that bug spray will repel vampires? They hate the bitter taste of Deet and citronella on your skin. This is a great trick to use if you’re loathe to kill the fanged creatures via sunlight or some other method. And since some vamps reportedly play piano and have sparkly skin, teenage girls may become enraged should you choose lethal protection when a simple mosquito repellent will suffice. We don’t want a teenage girl apocalypse. Think of the make-up, the glitter, the tears. Slammed doors, stomping feet, shrieks reaching pitches only bats can hear. No. We certainly don’t want that.
Now, a witch apocalypse is something civilization has already faced, at least in Oz. A barrel of rainwater will come in handy should witches try to enchant you or stir you into a melting pot of humanity. Most witches dissolve under a deluge of water. Those who are more resistant can be fought off using glow sticks. Their warts and crooked teeth look hideous under such lighting, causing them to flee in shame.
We’ve survived an endless trope of zombie movies, merchandise and even businesses. From these, one thing is clear—with an impending zombie apocalypse, it’s essential to hide your brain. Adults and young children must master a glazed look that will trick zombies into believing they are already zombified. Teens, on the other hand, have a head start due to their intense involvement with smart phones and video games.
Ghosts are a different matter altogether. Unless a Ghostbusters unit operates in your neighborhood, you must rely on online ghost removal tips, the most pertinent, being to clean your house. If that’s the best solution, I better figure out how to get along with ghostly intruders. So don’t be surprised if you visit and hear moans and howls, although that could just be my children.
Speaking of children, what I really need to know is how to survive a lego apocalypse. I swear they’re popping up everywhere, forming themselves into spaceships, chariots and warriors. I’m sure one stabbed my toe this morning.
Or a glitter apocalypse. What with all the Queen Elsa costumes this Halloween, we just may drown in a tide of glitter. It’s swelling to fill my house already. And what about a laundry apocalypse? I can just imagine my old, moldy clothes gaining a life of their own and taking over known civilization. Quick! Get the Oxy Clean!
Ah…the life of a family in October, full of fun and fantasy, a world I love to live in.
What’s your favorite apocalypse and how do you plan to survive?
